The Best of Late Night

"Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband’s fund raising campaign is she can’t make him black, and she can’t make him a woman. That’s the same problem with Michael Jackson’s people."

-Jay Leno

"Last night President Bush did not call Barry Bonds after he broke Hank Aaron’s home run record, but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who is less popular than I am.' "

-Conan O'Brien

"There was a guy in New York who got arrested for smuggling a monkey onto a plane. I can’t get four ounces of shaving creme onto a plane! How’s he get monkey on there?"

-Craig Ferguson

"It was a very big night for the very big-headed Barry Bonds. He has the all-time record for career home runs. There was big skirmish in the bleachers for the ball. Collectors say it’s worth somewhere between $300,000 and $500,000, which is actually a lot less than some other baseballs. Some baseballs have actually fetched millions of dollars so I guess taking steroids really does shrink the value of your balls."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"In a recent interview with People magazine, Kathy Hilton said that her daughter Paris Hilton may have gotten a rash from the sheets in her cell. Today the sheets issued a statement saying, no, they got the rash from Paris Hilton."

-Jay Leno

"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming out. It’s called "Intimately Beckham.” Apparently, it’s a delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot. And that’s just hers."

-Craig Ferguson

"Earlier this year, there was a strange story about Keith Richards. He claims he once snored a mixture of cocaine and his dead father’s ashes. That was the story, but he denied it. Now, though, he’s saying he did snort his dad; he did not mix him with some cocaine. He only snorted his dad. Stars. They’re just like us."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway."

-Jay Leno

"Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage."

-Conan O'Brien

"President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government’s authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So our phone calls are being watched, our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC. Why can’t we get some of that action?"

-Jay Leno

"The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, 'Big News at New York Tim.'"

-Conan O'Brien